Does this snipet of a conversation sound familiar?
“I am sorry you got mad.”
“I am sorry I hurt you. I didn’t pay attention, I tried to rush you when you were sharing something important. I am really sorry and I will try to do better next time.”
Can you see the differences in those sentences? Powerful and yet subtle.
Taking responsibility for our own actions is a big deal. Passing the buck is also a big deal. Intentionally or not, we can sometimes miss the boat in our “apologies” and pass on guilt, stir up anger and hurt, sometimes even add shame to people, and completely miss an opportunity to grow and heal, as well as improve the relationship. Little things can make a big impact.
It has been said, “We can’t control what others do and say, we can only control our reaction of responses to them,” and that’s true but not always easy. Both people in the scene above have responsibilities. Sometimes it takes work to get to the place we can be authentic and vulnerable. Sometimes we may need help too beucase we just don’t feel safe or strong or able. Getting help is a wise idea. We are all human, we can reach out and get some help.
Just the other day, a talk show host started to apologize to a guest and at first was stumbling with his words. He said something like, “I’m sorry IF I hurt you.” Then immediately backed up, and clarified and said something like this: “No, I’m sorry I did hurt you. I’m sorry I stole your thunder. I’m sorry I took your moment.”He sincerely asked for forgiveness and what he could do to repair the damage he knew he had done.
What a difference!
The guest appreciated his sincere apology, his openness and his taking responsibility for what he had done. There was no hiding behind “IF I messed up” or “IF YOU got hurt” but an honest acceptance of his own actions and failure at that time. There was no pretending. There was no minimizing. There was absolute respect for the guest, and honesty with humility about his specific actions and words realizing that he had messed up. He also did not put himself down, which is also good.
No one is perfect. We all have missed steps and we all can say and do the wrong thing at any given time. Unfortunately, we hurt other people just as we have been hurt. We are not perfect. We are humans “being and becoming” day in and day out, doing the best we can at the time, even within our imperfections.
The difference was beautiful to watch unfold in this host. The guest could tell he was sincere and not playing games. There was no show for the camera. This man’s heart was vulnerable and so was the guest. Her sweet and yet strong acceptance was just as beautiful.
Clarifying the situation by talking openly about it and what actually happened was a very good move on both of their parts, not only for them but for others who observed the situation.
What a difference clear communication can make in our lives. Can you imagine all the many ways communicating can impact how we do or do not meet our needs in life?
Communication is a powerful tool and can help us with love and belonging, having fun, even with freedom and boundaries. Communication can also help us stay alive, especially when we just need to talk to someone about negative thoughts and feelings we may be having towards ourselves. Clear, honest open communication gives us a power. Power to be heard and power to hear.
Communication has saved the lives of countless people who were on the verge of taking their own life. Because they took the time and energy to find a safe place and a person to talk with and share their inner thoughts and feelings, there are people alive today living lives that are helping others as well as creating joy for themselves. If you find yourself feeling unheard to the point of being hopless, call the new number and get some help, please (988 is the suicide prevention national number, you are not alone.)
As you can imagine, communication makes all the difference with each one of the needs.
Taking some time to explore our own life we can learn from the times we communicated in ways that were very helpful and times we could have improved. Like my friend says, “Maybe we were not as elegonant as we wanted to be, but we can change, learn, improve. We do not need to judge ourselves so harshly, that just does not help anyone.” We can always improve different areas in our lives if we are willing to learn and grow.
What a difference we do make with the words we use.
Please note:
All of our blogs are intended for educational purposes only. These are not intended as “advice” or any form of therapeutic intervention. Please contact your doctor, school counselor, local mental health office or hospital for help with individual problems or concerns. You may also call 988 to speak with a person about self-harm thoughts.
